What is Relationship Currency?

We talk to communication expert, international keynote speaker and transformational coach, Ravi Rajani, about his new book, "Relationship currency: five communication habits for limitless influence and business success".

In Relationship Currency, Ravi uncovers the five communication habits you can embody to influence, inspire, and ignite change in your prospects, partners, customers, and team through building meaningful business relationships that matter.

In our conversation, we explore:

• How to ask conscious questions and why they are important.
• Why Ravi believes that we all have the innate superpower of charisma.
• True authenticity vs faking it.
• How to create story-worthy questions.
• Why imperfection equals connection.
• Why the suits Ravi wears have a far deeper significance!
• Key take-aways from the book that listeners can implement right away.

Relationship Currency is available from all major book sellers and from: www.theravirajani.com/book

Nicola Hunt: Today's guest is Ravi Rajani, an international keynote speaker and transformational coach whose courses on conscious and charismatic communication have been taken by more than 65,000 people. We're going to be discussing his new book, Relationship Currency, Five Communication Habits for Limitless Influence and Business Success - a guide for leaders, salespeople, and entrepreneurs who want to grow their influence with integrity.

In her praise for Relationship Currency, Samantha McKenna notes that, in a world increasingly shaped by AI, the demand for genuine human connection has never been greater.

Ravi, welcome. Against the backdrop of these technological advances, you say that learning how to truly connect with others on a deeper level is becoming a lost art. Was this one of the reasons you wrote the book?

Ravi Rajani: Hey Nicola, thank you for having me, my friend.

So in answer to your question, I wish I could tell you that when I began writing this book and decided to go on this journey that I thought, okay, let me map out all of my frustrations in the world and let me look at which market I want to serve with this and let me take a look at where the biggest problems are and how this book could solve that problem.

Actually, I did the reverse, where what I did was I felt called to talk about what was on my heart in that season of my life, and this came through intuition alongside really recruiting the intellectual, which was taking a look at the different clients I'd worked with and the observations I had and what people were struggling with. Funny enough, as I went on the writing journey, what I started to notice even more so was how AI, automation, etc., was accelerating the problems that I was talking about in my book. So I would say serendipity is a beautiful thing.

Nicola Hunt: And in Relationship Currency you explore the five communication habits that we can all take advantage of in order to improve our capacity to build meaningful relationships. Can you expand upon this?

Ravi Rajani: Yeah, sure, so inside of the book I really take people on a journey where they go from unconscious incompetence with their communication skills and really grow it to a place where they get to become consciously competent.

Now really what I suppose the vehicle for that transformation is the five habits I lay out in my book:

• The first one is transforming your internal story, and the idea behind this, Nicola, is that before you start building a relationship with others, you really need to learn how to build an incredible relationship with yourself and really unpack the stories that you may be telling yourself which is sabotaging your version of success.
• Then we have the second habit, which is all about asking conscious questions. The idea here is conscious questions and deep listening are critical as a leader, entrepreneur, or salesperson to really build trust with your conversation partner.
• Habit three is about unearthing your charisma, and I'm not talking about the charisma that a lot of us thought existed or thought was the truth back in the day. It's not about accolades, awards, and shining the spotlight on yourself. Really, it's about making others feel like they matter in your presence.
• Then we've got habit four, which is about telling stories that inspire change, and the one practice which I really teach people to embody that habit is learning how to tell a social proof story.
• The final habit, which is one of my favourites, is becoming the trusted guide. This is really about thinking with a marathon mindset and embodying the role of a trusted guide, which is somebody who helps others realise their desires without self-interest.

As you go on that journey, you really ascend up the conscious competence ladder and hopefully become a more masterful communicator.

Nicola Hunt: So that's interesting if I can just pick up on the point of charisma, because charisma is still by definition viewed as a personality trait reserved for a select few, but what you're saying is that we all have this innate superpower, is that right?

Ravi Rajani: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. You don't become charismatic because you were born charismatic, and the idea here is that charisma looks different on different people. But if we start with my definition of charisma, I see it as an innate superpower that we all have which helps us make others feel significant in our presence.

There's various different ways we can do that. For example, one of the practices which I teach in my book is the ASI framework, and the ASI framework is teaching folks how to give genuine compliments that inspire trust , action, and loyalty.

Now the crazy thing is, and I couldn't believe it when I stumbled upon this research, Nicola, was that research has shown that when one receives a genuine compliment, it actually activates the same part of our brain that lights up when we receive a financial reward, which is crazy. So really, what I speak about here is giving genuine compliments which are authentic, specific, and impactful versus a throwaway compliment like, "Oh hey, Nicola, great presentation," which, you know, on the face of it, it sounds harmless, but really it lacks intention.

So we could flip that into: "Nicola, that was one of the best presentations and keynotes I've heard all day," - that's authentic, that's the authenticity piece. "And then we move to for example, in the first few minutes that personal story that you shared about experiencing imposter syndrome as a new CEO - it just blew my mind," - that's the specificity. "And then I would end with, 'It's actually inspired me to be more open and vulnerable with my team, so hey, thank you for that,'" - that's the impact.

So what we're talking about is leading with a genuine and positive observation that's authentic, that's the authenticity piece. Then we've got the specificity, which is avoiding being generic. And then the impact piece is really telling the human being opposite you how this specific moment has impacted you. When we do that and we do that with the right intention, oh, it can do beautiful things. I think of my mentor back in the day when I worked in the world of investment banking, when he would acknowledge me for my gifts and acknowledge me for what he believed was my genius. I wanted to run through a brick wall for this guy because he just made me feel so seen, and hey, at the end of the day, everybody just wants to feel seen, heard, and understood, don't they?

Nicola Hunt: Well, absolutely, and do you consciously feel when other people who you're engaging with make you feel significant?

Ravi Rajani: I do notice it more than ever, especially because I feel as though it's rare, if I'm honest. I feel as though it's deeply rare today. You know, everybody's in a hurry, and that can often mean we lack presence. Everybody is looking to achieve more and achieve these big goals, which can often lead to a death grip on their desire and forgetting that whilst that's all great, there's another human being opposite you who also has their own desires and wishes and transformation that they're looking for.

And then the final thing is really, as we spoke about at the beginning, at the top of the show, in a world increasingly shaped by AI, I often feel as though we are silencing our intuition and we're outsourcing our creativity and decision making to machines. It's not a question, in my opinion anyway, whether we should use AI or not use AI; it's about really using it in a way that supports us as it being a creative thinking partner and allowing it to increase the volume of our intuition and grow our communication skills.

So really, when I see people, you know, whether it's a networking event or in a sales call, who are grounded and they're present , when I see people who ask conscious questions and care about you versus lead with their hidden agendas , and when I'm communicating with somebody who doesn't sound like a scripted robot where they've just plugged something into Chat GPT but they sound like they're actually having an authentic conversation  - I feel that's rare, I do.

Nicola Hunt: In the book, you highlight the importance of asking conscious questions, and you note that the depth of our questions dictates the depth of our relationships. This really got me thinking, I went and looked up what is the definition of a 'conscious question,' which I'll just read briefly. It said, "a question that reflects awareness and thought about one's own mental state or existence, often prompting deeper reflection on personal experiences or perceptions. It encourages self-exploration and understanding of consciousness itself". Can we talk about the importance of conscious questions for a moment?

Ravi Rajani: For me, the way I personally define a conscious question at the most basic level is a question that is grounded in positive intentionality. And there's three different types of conscious questions which I actually teach inside of the book, specifically inside of habit two. One of them is a story-worthy question.

A story-worthy question, in a basic sense, is an open-ended question. The idea here is when you ask somebody a story-worthy question, it extracts a story as a response or it provokes deep thought because it stops that human being in their tracks. Really, that's the north star of a story-worthy question in my books, because it tells somebody a positive story about you, showcasing that you really have a character of intention.

Now, let me give you an example, okay? So let's say, Nicola, you call me because you are hiring a keynote speaker for an upcoming event. Now I could say, "Are you looking for a keynote speaker on communication?" and you could say yes, no, or maybe. Now that's not necessarily a bad question, but there's a layer deeper that we could go.

So instead, I could say, "Hey Nicola, could you tell me about the moment that you and your team decided that you wanted a communication speaker for this event?" "Oh, Ravi, I remember I was talking to my colleague about AI the other day and how I feel as though we're just craving human connection, and my team, I feel..." Do you see what I mean? All of a sudden, I've unearthed a story, and you're going to share it with me. Or you could say, "You know what, Ravi, that's a good question that I don't have an answer for. Let me sit with that for a second"  - both are powerful and potent. So really what I talk about here is to build rapport, build trust, and really connect with the human being opposite you - story-worthy questions are powerful.

Nicola Hunt: And are story-worthy questions the same thing as a social proof story?

Ravi Rajani: No, a social proof story is something I talk about inside of habit four, which really, in the most basic sense, is the following. A social proof story is a narrative which unfolds in a specific sequence of events that allows somebody to see themselves in the pains, desires, and transformation of the main character, and in turn, inspiring change.

So for example, a salesperson selling a product or service may use a social proof story to build trust and share a story about somebody just like the prospect and how they went from pain to glory and achieved a transformation that the person on the other end of the phone cares about. If you're a leader and you're trying to have somebody in your team embody a new idea, you could share a social proof story about somebody in their position - I don't know - two years ago who also struggled with communicating to the c-suite, and here's what they did differently. So really, the idea here is to share a story which is grounded in social proof, which inspires somebody to make change and also having it be their idea, not yours.

Nicola Hunt: Thank you for explaining that. How can we pick up whether someone is being truly authentic or faking it - or indeed, how do you pick that up when you're out meeting people?

Ravi Rajani: That's a great question, I love it, and I'm curious to know what would you say your definition of authenticity would be, Nicola?

Nicola Hunt: Well, my definition would be somebody who can be vulnerable, who says something and it may not be perfect, and they may know that perhaps they didn't shape the question in the most perfect way, but it was something that was genuine that they wanted to express.

Ravi Rajani: Ah - so it sounds as though for what I'm hearing for you, it's about somebody speaking their truth and being unapologetically self-expressed. And for you, that requires somebody being genuine, which is ultimately authentic - am I on the right lines?

Nicola Hunt: Yeah, absolutely. I think that when you get a jargon word in HR - and let's face it, HR is full of a lot of jargon words - that in that journey, we can lose what that word really means at a human level, and I think that's the danger with authenticity.

Ravi Rajani: It's like the word 'trust'. I feel like the word trust has been hijacked by marketers, politicians, etc.. Going back to your point about authenticity, how can I spot it in a conversation? For me, the number one thing that I would need to do to spot it is to recruit my intuition. You know, does my body expand or does it contract in this conversation, and does something feel off, does something feel off in this given moment?

Now, even when we look at it and if we want to recruit the intellectual, here are some things that I personally think about when in a conversation with somebody:

• The first thing is, are they showcasing congruency? For example, let's say somebody tells you, "Hey, I really care about human beings and I really care about human connection," however, throughout the entire conversation they have dominated the conversation and their talk time is 95% leaving you with 5%. Well, actually, what they said, they've not shown, so actually, is there a lack of congruency there? Now it's difficult to really judge on one specific interaction, but you get the point there.
• Another one would be asking questions which sound thoughtful yet feel like a box-ticking exercise. You see a lot with politicians, for example; they may ask certain questions, and it sounds great, but once again, something feels off. Where it feels off is when you look at their body language and their non-verbal cues. They're showing that they really don't care about the answer, and they're not actually conveying deep listening, so that's for me is always fascinating.
• The final one really is when I see, you know, I connected with an individual the other day, and he led with vulnerability, not from a place of trying to weaponise it, but from a place of, "Hey, this is what's going on with me right now," when I asked him how he was and what's going on in his business. He just led with pure authenticity, and he knew that imperfection equals connection. The moment he dropped his guard and he showed up imperfect, it actually gave me the permission to do exactly the same, which is a beautiful thing.

So many things to think about there, but really going back to point one, recruiting our intuition and ensuring congruency is really important in somebody's verbal communication and non-verbal communication and their energy.

Nicola Hunt: "Imperfection equals connection" - I love that. Turning to the question of relationship currency, you share a really inspiring real-life example of relationship currency, and that is, of course, Halim, the owner of a suit tailor in London, and I really resonated with this part of the book.

Ravi Rajani: The idea of relationship currency is this: relationships are sacred yet currency carries connotations of transaction. However, side by side, Nicola, relationship currency is about engaging in a meaningful value exchange that helps somebody achieve more of what they desire without self-interest, allowing the energy of abundance to organically find you in return.

When I first met Halim back in 2013, and by the way, that's not his real name, but I had to change it for the book, but I'll stick with Halim for the moment. When I first met Halim in 2013, I instantly knew, in hindsight, that he was somebody who deeply cares about building meaningful relationships.

So let me take you back for a second. 2013, I'm in the world of investment banking, I'm fresh, I'm starry-eyed, and one thing I really wanted to do was walk onto the trading floor every single day feeling confident, magnetic, and comfortable in my own skin. I thought, "You know what, I wonder how much a custom-fitted suit costs?" And when I went online, the prices shocked me. There was no way my bank balance could afford it, so I was thinking, "Hmm, that kind of sucks".

"Well, let me at least go grab some new shirts," so I go on down to a run-of-the-mill suit store in Canary Wharf, and I go buy five shirts for around 120, 130 pounds, I can't remember exactly. And they just felt baggy, they just felt loose-fitted, and they didn't make me feel confident, magnetic, or comfortable in my own skin. All of a sudden, this dude behind me says, "Hey, are you looking to have those shirts tailored, sir?" And I thought, "Hold on, I can buy a shirt off the peg, get it tailored, and I can achieve my desired goal". So I thought, "Yeah, let's do it".

They came back a week or two later, and I literally looked like I was in a 90s boy band. They were so tight, they cut off the circular, I couldn't breathe, Nicola, I was like, "This sucks, I do not this is not a good look".

What I realised was, actually, this one company, this one suit store, and there was plenty all across London and the UK that they have, but actually this one suit store, they go to this one guy called Halim who has the contract for all of their London stores to do all of their shirts, suits, and tailoring.

So I thought, "You know what, I'm going to cut out the middleman, I'm going to go straight to the source, I'm going to go straight to Halim".

So I jump in my car on a Saturday, icy cold day, and I'm lost. I get lost easily, okay, even with a sat nav, I get lost easily. And I ring the store, and I'm in a huff and a puff, and "Oh my god, I can't find you guys, where are you?" Halim says, "Hold tight, I'll be there in a second." He jumps in his car and he comes to find me, wow. He helps me find the relevant parking spot, and he welcomes me into his beautiful store, and I'm thinking, "Who is this guy?" I thought he was just an employee, but he wasn't, he was the owner of the store.

He comes in, he welcomes me in, rather, offers me Turkish tea, tells me to sit down. He starts by asking me conscious questions. He's interested in me, and by default, he becomes interesting. What he did through the questions and what he did by showing up in this way is he made me feel like I deeply mattered. Really, I didn't have the budget for a lot of the stuff in his store, but he didn't make me feel less than in any way. He embodied true charisma.

Then the third thing he did, as he's measuring me up, framing my shoulders, as he's looking at my arm length, he starts telling me stories about other investment bankers and other people in finance who would come to his store, used the similar idea of, "Hey, I'm going to buy a shirt, get it off the peg, and then actually get it tailored to actually save a few pounds". And it inspired change because I knew this guy really got me.

Here's what he did to behave like a trusted guide, here's the final thing that he did. What he did was when we got to the till, I sheepishly said, "So how much is it?" and he racks up, and he's bashing away at the calculator, and he starts slashing the prices, and he looks at me. He says, "Is this good?" I was like, "Yeah, that's good, that's great," I literally bit his hand off. And he knew that I could be a customer for life, and what he was doing is he was trying to earn trust in that moment versus try and squeeze me for some short-term gain, because we all know that short-term behaviour kills long-term reputation.

Now, over the years, I started to be really intrigued by Halim because not only did he do those five shirts, but he did the suit for my wedding day, he's done suits for different keynote speeches that I've done. He's the only man I trust in the fashion department.

What I didn't realise about Halim's story was he came as an immigrant from Turkey to London. He worked on Savile Row for over a decade until he started setting up his own thing, and I thought, "Wow, this guy must have had to work so hard and transform his internal story and evolve as an entrepreneur, professionally and personally, every single step of the way". And that's when I was like, "Oh wow, this guy really embodies the five habits inside of my book: transforming your internal story, asking conscious questions, unearthing your charisma, telling stories that inspire change, and becoming the trusted guide". And that's why he has limitless influence because he's really able to embody the five habits.

Nicola Hunt: Hearing you say that story again, I can really feel it. The intrinsically human is also so beautifully encapsulated in the story that you just shared. Is there one takeaway in particular from the book for our listeners?

Ravi Rajani: Yeah, there is actually. Let me think about something actionable because what I want the listeners to really take away from this is something they can implement in the next 24 hours.

So let's take a look at habit two, asking conscious questions. Now let's say that the listener is a team leader, and they have a one-on-one meeting with somebody in their team, a direct report, tomorrow. Now they could walk into that meeting and say, "Hey Nicola, how are you?" For me, that question sucks because it lacks intention. There's a time and place for it, but "How are you?" in a relationship where you're trying to build depth is surface level, it's actually very unintentional in my opinion.

So what could you do differently? Well, what I would invite the listener to think about is asking an empathetic question. How I define empathy is being deeply interested in what your conversation partner is emotionally invested in. The question is, how do you convey that? You can say you're empathetic, but how do you show it?

So you could ask a question which really embodies my what, feel, who method. When you ask a question in this way, you're really hitting on what is important to them, how do they feel about it, and who is this impacting?

So somebody could say, "Nicola, the last time we spoke, you mentioned you were moving home and that you were feeling stressed because your daughter was feeling unhappy about the change. How has she settled into a new environment?" The what is the home move, the feel is the stress, and the who is your daughter. Now that is so much more potent than, "Hey Nicola, how are you?"

But here's the catch: you have to have extracted the what, feel, who in your prior conversation. So when you do this right, you'll be able to convey to the human being opposite you that I've truly listened to you, and you'll spark a meaningful conversation, and more important, you'll get to know what's important to them in this season of their life, which, as a leader, really understanding one's core motivation, rather, is super important.

How can people get hold of a copy? So depending on where your listeners are in the world, you can get it from Amazon or Waterstones or wherever you buy books.