I recently asked a colleague how her life is unfolding. Her short answer was blunt. "It's terrible," she said.
So, I asked her, if this week were typical of next week, and the week after, and the next six weeks, the next year and five years after that, would it be OK? She instinctively reacted: "NO!" - communicating her resentment, frustration and muted rage.
But when I asked what she's doing about her life, she responded with a "Well, you play with the hand you're dealt" attitude – playing the victim – intimating she's too immersed in the thick of it all to stand back and gain a larger perspective, or actually do anything constructive about changing.
Julia (not her real name), a successful professional woman, spouse and mother, is basically unhappy. She's stressed out by her work, by her relationship, by her children, by the uncertainty of the economy, by the state of her physical health, social life and the like.
"Nothing is working", she complained. When I asked why not, she thought for a moment and said, "I don't know, I just don't have time to get my act together".
That's when I asked the "Well if this week were typical..." question.
So, what about you? How are you showing up in your life - at work and at home?
"Presenteeism" is a term describing a form of "disengagement-with-life" – a "foggy" state in which folks show up at work. In reality, many folks exhibit presenteeism in just about every aspect of their life. They are physical, emotional and mental wrecks to some degree. Many folks are not doing justice to their work, their spouse, their children, their friends, or their own self because they're suffering from presenteeism.
Many folks act the victim, begrudgingly living with the "hand they are dealt". They choose to not be proactive about changing their life or lifestyle. They experience stress, confusion and unhappiness which manifest themselves in self-destructive living habits – lack of sleep, terrible diet, workaholism, sickness, disease, lack of exercise, estrangement from family members (even while living in the same house), being abusive, argumentative, resistant and resentful.
Moreover, they have often concocted "stories" to justify why they cannot forward the action of their lives. Thus their "insanity" continues - doing the same thing the same way, over and over again and expecting different results each time.
So, maybe this is a good time to explore your relationship with presenteeism, with your own "insane" way of dealing with life, with the "stories" you use to justify and rationalize why you are where you are.
The following considerations might support your journey forward so that next week and the week after that might not be carbon copies of this week or last week.
Work life: What is your relationship with your work like? Why do you do what you do? What attitudes do you bring to your workplace? Do your attitudes support your well-being? Do you find meaning in your work - even in the mundane (hint: it IS possible!)
Are you engaged at work, passionate, and challenged, or are you mostly unhappy, overwhelmed or unproductive? Would you do this work if you weren't paid to do it? What do you like about your work (place)? How do you justify doing work you don't like?
Family life: What is your relationship with your family like? Is the value of family "being the most important thing in my life" borne out by the reality of your relationship to your family, or is there a disconnect?
Are you satisfied with your relationship with your spouse or partner, with your children? Do real connection and intimacy exist? Is something missing? What about your relationship with your parents, sisters or brothers? How's that working? Is your relationship with your family "this week" exactly what you would like it to be in the weeks, months and years ahead?
How do you rationalize and justify unhappy and unfulfilling relationships that you allow to continue? Do you allow your job to keep you from your family (that "most important thing in my life")?
Your health: How well do you take care of yourself? What rationalizations and justifications do you use for not taking care of yourself? How do you explain neglecting your health to your spouse/partner and children?
If you became disabled tomorrow, how would that affect your family and others who care about you? Are you a good role model for others in the way you deal with your health? Do you urge your spouse/partner and children to follow your health patterns?
Social life: Are you a friend to your friends? Are they more the friend, and you the recipient of their friendship? Do you take more than you give? Are friends important to you? How do they know?
Do you subjugate friendship to a low priority, even though friendship is important? What rationalizations and justifications do you use for doing so? If you have no friends, are isolated, what is that about? Are your friendships consistently superficial or are they continually ripening and deepening? Do you have true and real friends at work?
Your happiness: Are you happy? Do you experience joy in your life? And never mind the "it's all relative" or "compared to whom/what" responses. You know if you are; you know if you aren't. It's about the truth. Are you settling? Are you resigned? Are you OK with your level of happiness? Do you know how to achieve true and real happiness? What justifications and rationalizations do you use to explain your level of happiness?
Is your level of happiness this week exactly what you would like it to be in the weeks, months and years ahead? Is happiness in the foreground or background for you? Why? What brings you joy?
So, this week is last week's "next week." If you decided last week, or some earlier week, to make changes in your life "next week" (the euphemistic phrasing for this is: "when it's the (so-called) right time"), how has this week been? Effected any changes yet? Waiting for another right time? Waiting until next week?
Remember, when nothing changes, nothing changes. Groundhog day, groundhog week, each wrapped in presenteeism. Is that the life you are choosing?
Sometimes people prefer to put up with their lot and moan about it! To prevent the same happening we have to do things differently as you say. I enjoy helping people to do things differently, the hardest part of change is in fact just making the decision to do so. After that it's simple!
I agree Claire. I would also add, simple, yes, but not always easy.
Peter, this article was very helpful; regarding the workplace, one aspect that usually cannot be changed is being overworked or overwhelmed. My new Manager is in the process of 'streamlining staff' ; so the result is that one person has to do the work of 2 or sometimes 3 people with no back-up person, ofcourse so the company saves money. This Manager has no concern for the clients that have to wait or if the employee is overworked or even sick. It is really hard to keep a good attitude during these situations. My only solution is to search for another position to keep my sanity and good health; does this make sense?
Makes a great deal of sense. I can't tell you the number of folks I've known and coached who stayed too long, jeopardizing, sacrificing and damaging their mental, emotional, physical and psychological health (and that of their family) to do so. I know many are caught between that 'rock and a hard place.' But, at what cost? That's an individual decision.
What if you state of 'presenteeism' is a result of a cheating spouse that you are trying to work things out with? One because you love her and the other because you don't want to lore out seeing your child everyday of your life. The 'presenteeism' described is my life (mostly). Thank you for the article, it was enlightening.