Julia Lyons's Answer:
Grief is often treated in workplaces as a short, disruptive event rather than the life-changing psychological process it is. Compassionate leave is typically positioned as the main support someone needs, yet the emotional, cognitive and physical impact of bereavement continues long after a colleague returns.
The idea of "growing with grief" reminds us that people do not simply "get over" a loss. Instead, they gradually grow around it, expanding their capacity to live alongside their grief rather than moving beyond it. Your support can make that growth far more manageable.
Why your colleague's return to work may feel harder than expected
The early days following a bereavement often involve shock, disbelief and emotional overwhelm. These reactions do not disappear when someone re-enters the workplace. Grief unfolds in stages that may include sadness, anger, guilt and disorientation, and these stages can resurface months later.
Your colleague may be returning to work while still in denial or anger. They may appear capable, but internally they may be struggling more than ever. Recent research reports that 92% of people experience at least one health impact following loss, including memory issues, anxiety, sleep disruption and frequent illness. Understanding this helps you see why their adjustment back to work may be extremely challenging.
How grief can affect your colleague at work
Many people return to work determined to appear stable and capable. They may feel pressure to reassure others or worry about being perceived as less committed. This instinct to perform can hide significant internal difficulty.
Grief affects concentration, memory and decision-making, leading to slower task completion and greater cognitive load. Emotionally, your colleague may have sudden surges of sadness, irritability or withdrawal. Physically, grief often brings sleep disruption, headaches and fatigue.
These reactions reflect the effort required to process loss while functioning professionally. The risk is that someone pushes themselves to maintain a facade of normality. Using work as a distraction may help in the short term, but overreliance on avoidance can heighten the risk of Prolonged Grief Disorder, where symptoms interfere with daily life.
What "growing with grief" looks like in the workplace
Growing with grief does not diminish the importance of the person who has died. Instead, it reflects a gradual broadening of someone's capacity to function, connect and find meaning again. Your colleague may begin experimenting with new routines, rediscovering activities that once felt overwhelming or slowly rebuilding confidence. This is not about forgetting; it is about expanding their life around their loss.
How you can support your colleague
1. Support that goes beyond leave: A few days of bereavement leave rarely matches the lengthy emotional process that follows a loss. Many people need further time, space or adjustments once they return. Acknowledging this openly helps your colleague feel less pressure to "bounce back."
2. Check in regularly and gently: Short, compassionate check-ins let your colleague know they are not forgotten. These conversations do not need to be formal; they simply create space for them to say what feels manageable and what is difficult.
3. Offer flexibility and revisit it: Adjustments such as temporary workload changes, hybrid working, fewer external-facing responsibilities or quiet space can make a meaningful difference. Crucially, these adjustments should be reviewed over time, as grief and needs evolve.
4. Be confident in acknowledging their grief: You may worry about saying the wrong thing, but silence can feel like avoidance or discomfort. A simple acknowledgement often makes the biggest difference. Understanding the dynamics of grief helps you approach conversations with confidence and compassion.
5. Encourage a compassionate culture: Culture shapes how safe someone feels. Recognising that grief may resurface around anniversaries or significant dates helps colleagues feel valued and understood. A workplace that allows space for humanity enables people to grow with their grief.
6. Know the support pathways available: Clear information about bereavement policies, flexible options or mental health support can help colleagues seek the help they need without fear or confusion.
Every workplace will encounter grief. What distinguishes supportive organisations is not the size of their policies but the depth of their compassion. With understanding, patience and flexibility, you can help a grieving colleague feel able to cope and, in time, to grow at their own pace and in their own way.