Satan's training catalogue, summer 2011

I have once again received my annual update to what's really going on in the training world. I refer, of course, to the annual catalogue of business and personal development learning programs from the Prince of Darkness himself. And judging from the state of the planet and the people on it, you have to assume that business is booming.

Here are some of my favorite new programs he has on offer.

1. Block Change Like a Black Belt

Are you tired of constantly having to "innovate"? Don't you wish things could just stay the way they are for a while? Now they can. By applying the most misunderstood but widely accepted tenets of the Six Sigma system, you can stop anything from changing - ever again.

Under cover of the mystique, pseudo-science and mind-petrifying jargon of Six Sigma and Total Quality Management, you can avoid ever having to change the way you and your team work, which reduces waste, training costs and capital investment.

What you'll learn:

• Change = Variation and Variation is bad
• How saving time is really selfish and makes you a bad team player
• It's not "resistance to change", it's "adherence to best practices"
• How to discount industry findings and new evidence (some pre-work involved but much less than doing actual research). Special emphasis on finding dissenting blog posts in obscure message boards.

Who should attend: Managers in companies that currently lead their industries, team leaders who hate training, CFOs of companies ruled by EBITDA.

2. Mastering Organizational Politics From Afar

For too long, the ability to understand how your company really works, and how to curry favor with influencers was the domain of those working at Headquarters. Now remote workers and telecommuters can experience the excitement and rewards of pushing the real levers of power without having to actually be in the office.

In this special webinar program you'll learn:

• Reading between the lines of an organization chart. Solid lines are for rookies, the real power in any organization lies in the "dotted line" relationships.
• Befriending the old and bitter. Just because their careers have stalled, doesn't mean you have to. Learn to ignore the stench of failure wafting off others to uncover the real nature of how your company works.
• Learn and use high-gain email acronyms. Today's high-tech communication allows you to easily gain, share and parse information in new and exciting ways. Learn the power of the BCC button, How to pass on useless information in email as proof of subterfuge with a simple "forward" and much more.

Who should attend: telecommuters, project contractors and temps looking for that one permanent job out of the entire project team, managers who have been banished from headquarters looking for a triumphant, vengeful, blood-soaked return.

3. Play To Your Strengths: Avoid Training Costs While Enhancing Your Image

Tired of performance reviews that point out all the areas you need improvement on? Do you wish you didn't have to actually learn skills you don't care about? Wouldn't you much rather focus conversations on the one or two areas you're actually competent? Now you can.

By focusing on the concepts found in Strengthsfinders and others popular books, you can turn weaknesses into strengths, flaws into "authenticity" and never have to expose your ignorance of essential people skills in a classroom again.

In this 4-part webinar series you'll learn:

• How to position the performance conversation. You'll learn how to verbally turn "pickiness and focus on useless minutiae" to "attention to detail", "borderline sociopath" to "possesses a laser-like attention to the task at hand" and other ways to keep the conversation positive.
• Use data on "strengths" and "competencies" to show the ROI on keeping you exactly as you are and not spend the company's precious money trying to "fix" perceived deficiencies in your personality.

Who should attend: long-time employees repeatedly turned down for management positions, project leaders between assignments, any associate with an HR file double the average size.

I hope to see you in one of these classes soon. Can't wait for the fall semester to start!

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